There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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