oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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