dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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