you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
