No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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