they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
