I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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