i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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