dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
