R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
