so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
