After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
