I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
