i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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