Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
