also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
