He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just blew my weed a kiss
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
