Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize