she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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