omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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