We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize