I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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