I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
