Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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