It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
