even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize