she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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