There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
