Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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