im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
