I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
