I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Randomize
