I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize