My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
