A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
