So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
