Dude my mom stole all your condoms
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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