i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize