My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My bed smells like the plague
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
