Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
