I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
