Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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