you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
