That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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