this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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