Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize