When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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