he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
and you fell through a lawn chair
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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