Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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