I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
