The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
