Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
