I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize