Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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