You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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