I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
