2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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