Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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