I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
