woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize