Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
