Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
