Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
