I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
