Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize