Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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