I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
