Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
